


I can barely say

by boobearwantshishazza



Series: if i return home, will you take hold of me? [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: I'm Sorry, M/M, Pining, Sad, i wrote this out of nowhere, its terribly sad, poor little lou
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-02-28 08:16:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2725367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boobearwantshishazza/pseuds/boobearwantshishazza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>its human nature<br/>to leave<br/>because everyone<br/>wants<br/>more<br/> </p><p>Or the one where Harry and Louis were in love and maybe they still are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. all you do is turn your back to me

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this is. I just started typing. So here it is. 
> 
> (The italics are Louis' thoughts. The 'he' is Harry except for when otherwise stated).
> 
> The quote "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" is from Gone With the Wind and I just couldn't help myself.

Hickeys marched 

down her neck. 

And when he

leaned forward

his shirt rose

revealing red scratches

near the

dimples of his back

at the base

of his spine. 

 

She sat

in his lap

before classes

and at lunch.

As if he

would only

love her if she

was rubbing

against

his favorite pair

of jeans. 

 

She laughed

into his 

mouth 

even over him 

sometimes. 

But other times

they laughed

together.

 

_I heard somewhere_

_that in India_

_they sleep_

_on beds of nails_

_and if that is true_

_than I hope to go_

_there because then_

_I will not be_

_the only one_

_with punctures_

_in their back_

_and though mine_

_are from_

_backstabbing knifes_

_it will make me feel_

_more at home_

_than he ever did._

 

_And now_

_I realize_

_I am cheating myself_

_because he does not_

_love me anymore_

_and maybe_

_he never did_

_but that is a thought_

_for the past_

_and what good_

_does swimming_

_through questions_

_that do not_

_need to be_

_answered._

 

Everyone says

they were

made for each other

and no one else.

 

He does not

deny it.

 

_Even though_

_he told me_

we _were made_

_for each other._

_That we were_

_puzzle pieces_

_that did not need_

_consoling_

_to click in_

_place._

_We simply_

fit. 

 

She tells him

she loves him

but when she does

it is in

the school

cafeteria

and she is snapping

gum while glancing

at 

his best friend. 

 

He grins at her,

that glowing smile,

and he believes her

so he says it

back but

there is more

weight

in his words

than hers.

 

He does not 

notice. 

 

_I catch her_

_with hands up_

_the front_

_of her shirt._

_But they are_

_calloused hands_

_and do not have_

_any rings on them._

 

_When they see me_

_gaping at the_

_sinful, steamy_

_scene_

_she runs_

_(to her boyfriend_

_most likely)_

_and he just looks_

_at me_

_waiting_

_for me_

_to say_

_something._

 

_And when I remain_

_silent_

_he takes it as a sign_

_of trust and smiles_

_as if he did_

_not just darken_

_the bruises_

_on her neck._

 

He twirls a finger

through her blonde 

hair and nods

at his friend

and is oblivious

to the lipstick stains

on the collar

of his pressed shirt. 

 

_He glares at me_

_during_

_second period_

_and I wonder what_

_she told him_

_happened_

_in case I_

_told him something_

_different._

 

_Whatever it was,_

_I was set up_

_to be_

_the bad guy_

_and she was_

_the victim_

_that had felt_

_my wrath_

_but if I_

_saw things_

_correctly_

_she was the one_

_being felt_

_up._

 

The teacher

turned her back

to the loud

snogging

in the back row.

Maybe she did not 

notice

or really,

she just

did not care 

 

_Everyone leaves_

_and you are_

_very good at it._

_Leaving does not_

_need to be_

_forever_

_but it always_

_ends up that way._

 

_You left_

_more times_

_than I care_

_to count._

_Nonetheless_ _,_

_you always_

_came back._

_Until you_

_did not._

 

_I thought you_

_would not_

_leave_

_and that is_

_stupid of me_

_because_

_of course_

_you would leave_

_it is_

_human nature_

_to need_

_more._

 

_You needed more_

_than I had_

_or that I_ _could_   _find_

_I turned my_

_pockets inside out._

 

_I just wish_

_I had gotten_

_a goddamn_ _explanation_

_as to why_

_there was a note_

_in my locker_

_that read_

 

_ "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."  _

 

_I did not_

_do anything_

_wrong_

_I made sure_

_of that._

 

_I watched my_

_every move_

_and I was careful_

_around you._

_And I do not_

_even know why_

_it is not like_

_you are_

_going to_

_break._

 

_You are_

_as hard as a_

_diamond_

_and I_

_am porcelain._

 

He traced

patterns into

her bare thigh

and he smiled

that wide smile

that grows

and grows

and grows

when he realized

he knew

he loved her. 

 

She tapped at 

the screen 

of her phone

and promised

his friend 

a night to

remember.

 

"

_Maybe I tiptoed_

_because I thought_

_if I thudded_

_through the_

_apartment we bought_

_together,_

_the picture frames_

_would crash_

_to the ground_

_and I_

_would_

_too._

_"_

 

_And that is the_

_perfect metaphor_

_for the way_

_I acted_

_and the way_

_I love you._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. my devil is trying to choke me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is heartbroken and doesn't want Louis to fix him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are Louis' POV.  
> Bold is Harry's thoughts.

All eyes

were on the

screaming couple

in the center

of the 

lunch room.

 

He accused her

of loving

someone else

behind

his back.

 

She slapped

his cheek

red. 

 

Silence

fell over

the room

like a thick,

suffocating

blanket. 

 

He stormed

out 

into the hallway. 

None of

his friends

went after

him.

 

_So I_

_did._

 

_He_

_apologized_

_to me._

 

_I asked him_

_what he was_ _saying_

_sorry for._

 

_I knew_

_I knew_

_of course_

_I knew._

_I just wanted_

_to know_

_he knew._

 

_He sobbed_

_into_

_my shoulder_

_as I_

_attempted to_

_comfort him._

 

_Snot and_

_tears_

_dampened_

_my shirt._

 

_I petted_

_his curls_

_and told him_

_it was okay._

_I forgave_

_him._

_Even though_

_he still_

_did not say_

_what he was_

_sorry for._

 

_He looked_

_at me_

_with the_

_saddest eyes_

_of pain_

_I have ever_

_seen_

_and then_

_he ran._

 

He ran

all the way

home 

to a louder

emptiness

than what was 

inside him. 

 

He hiccuped

his way

into his

bedroom

and tore

it apart.

 

He pulled things

from shelves

and ripped 

pages from 

books he had

slept with. 

 

He grabbed

his guitar

by its neck

and slammed it

on the

ground. 

 

He had so

much pain

and not

enough

things to

destroy. 

 

So 

he destroyed

himself

instead. 

 

He got a 

knife from

the kitchen

but could

not bring

himself

to make

the smallest

fracture

in his 

skin. 

 

He was not

suicidal

just

sad

and 

disappointed

mostly 

in his self. 

 

He thought

to himself:

 

**If there is**

**an angel**

**and a devil**

**on each**

**shoulder.**

**Then my**

**angel is**

**smiling**

**into my**

**collarbone**

**and my devil**

**is trying**

**to choke**

**me.**

 

**_Her_ devil **

**is sucking**

**bruises**

**into her**

**neck.**

**And her**

**angel is**

**long gone.**


	3. i want all that is not mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is sad and Louis plays with candles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is from the song Smother by Daughter

He did not

come to

school

for four

days.

 

She did not

notice his

absence

with her

tongue down

someone else's

throat. 

 

_I stood_

_in his driveway_

_everyday_

_that he_

_did not_

_come to_

_school._

_And_

_I waited._

 

_For what_

_I do not know._

 

 

_I saw him_

_early_

_the morning_

_he came back._

 

_We were_

_the only ones_

_in the library._

_So I_ _sat_

_beside him_

_in the_

_sinking_

_bean bags_

 

"Oh um hi."  


"Hi."

"How have you been?"

"Good."  _l_ _ie._ _"_ How are you?"

"Well, I think we both know the answer to that."

 

_Even though_

_I knew_

_we both knew_

_he was referring_

_to his recent_

_loss._

 

_I wished_

_hoped_

_prayed_

_that maybe_

_just maybe_

_he was referring_

_to his past_

_loss_

_of me._

 

The conversation

between

them

went back

and forth

until the

hallway filled

and he 

was swept away

by his 

overwhelming

popularity. 

 

No one

mentioned

the switch

in who

was the

power couple.

 

She ignored

him

so he

did the same.

 

It was like

they had

never

met let alone

professed love

for each other.

 

 

_When I_

_went home_

_the twins_

_hugged_

_my legs_

_and tugged_

_on my fingers._

_I kissed_

_their heads_

_and promised_

_to play_

_dress up_

_later._

 

_I went upstairs_

_and drew_

_a bath_

_with bubbles_

_and candles._

_I deserved it._

 

_I slid in_

_once I was_

_bare_

_and inhaled_

_the sickeningly,_

_sweet scent_

_of vanilla._

 

_I closed_

_my eyes_

_and images_

_of memories_

_of him_

_played behind_

_my eyelids._

 

_And for_

_a second_

_I almost_

_felt_

_his presence_

_behind me_

_with my_

_shoulder blades_

_pressed_

_into his_

_chest_

_and his_

_long fingers_

_massaging_

_shampoo_

_into_

_my hair._

 

_But when_

_it was_

_gone,_

_the water_

_was cold_

_and the_

_bubbles_

_had dissipated._

 

_I wavered_

_my hand_

_over the_

_glowing candle_

_and I swear_

_I heard_

_him say_

 

_"_ When you burn, I won't sweep up your ashes."

 

_He told me_

_that when_

_we were_

_at a bonfire_

_and I had_

_leaned too_

_close to the_

_burning wood_

_and he_ _was_

_only joking._

 

_I just wish_

_he would_

_say those_

_things_

_to me_

_now._

 

_Actually_

_I wish_

_he would_

_say_

anything 

_to me_

_now._

 

 

 

 

 

There was

another girl

sitting 

in his lap

the next day.  


	4. you burned a hole in my hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis both like art and they are now partners (for a project)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short and sucky. i'll update well tomorrow.

The girl

in his

lap had

fiery

red hair

that

cascaded 

down her back

in waves.

 

He seemed 

happy

with her. 

 

She seemed 

happy 

with him.

 

The gum

snapping

best mate

snatching

blonde

bitch

did not

seem

happy.

 

She was now

single

and no longer

in control. 

 

_He did not_

_glance_

_my way_

_all day._

_As if_

_I was not_

_even there._

 

_I passed him_

_a note_

_during_

_second period_

_that read_

_"You promised_

_me a star_

_and yet_

_my skies_

_are still_

_dark."_

 

_He crumpled_

_it in his_

_hand_

_and threw it_

_in the_

_garbage_

_after seeing_

_my name_

_in the_

_corner._

 

He was

smiling 

that smile

again.

The one

that grows

and grows

and grows.

 

_I think_

_he might_

_love her._

 

It was

Art Week

and there

was artwork

all over

school.

 

_I passed_

_by a_

_piece_

_on my way_

_to second period  
_

_one day_

_and saw_

_a photograph_

_of the_

_night sky_

_labeled "Question"_

_with the_

_poem_

_I passed him_

_underneath._

 

_Beside it_

_was_

_another_

_labeled_

_"Answer"_

_with a_

_photograph_

_of a_

_galaxy_

_and a_

_poem_

_that read_

_"I promised_

_that I'd_

_bring you_

_back a_

_star_

_here's all the_

_stardust_

_I collected_

_from your_

_eyes._

_I might_ _have_

_taken_

_it all._

_They don't_

_sparkle_

_anymore."_

 

_His signature_

_was scribbled_

_in the corner_

_of each._

 

He noticed a 

painting

on the way

to sixth period.

 

It was

of a 

wavering 

fire

illuminating

the faces

of two boys.

One

had

curls. 

In sixth period,

their English

teacher gave them

a partner

project

and of course

their names

corresponded

on the

alphabetical

list.

 

_Even still_

_I would like_

_to believe_

_it was_

_fate._

 

They had 

to move

seats 

to sit beside

their partners.

 

_So I switched_

_with the_

_Little Mermaid._

 

_He did not_

_seem happy_

_to see_

_me._

 

_Our project_

_was to_

_write about_

_an emotion_

_that we were_

_assigned._

 

 _And of-_ fucking _-course_

_we got_

_love._  


	5. in fact, don't call me at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry is an ass and Louis gets mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> italicized 'he' is Louis  
> regular 'he' is Harry

 

**♫ ♫**

_**Wise men say only fools rush in** _   
_**But I can't help falling in love with you** _   
  
_**Shall I stay, would it be a sin?** _   
_**If I can't help falling in love with you** _   
  
_**Like the river flows** _   
_**Shortly to the sea** _   
_**Darling so we go** _   
_**Some things were meant to be** _   
  
_**Take my hand, take my whole life too** _   
_**If I can't help falling in love with you** _   
  
_**Like the river flows** _   
_**Shortly to the sea** _   
_**Darling so we go** _   
_**Some things were meant to be** _   
  
_**Take my hand, take my whole life too** _   
_**Cause I can't help falling in love with you** _   
_**Cause I can't help falling in love with you** _   
  
_**But I can't help falling in love with you** _

**♫ ♫**

 

The music

poured through

his earbuds

like a silky

sticky

message

mocking him.

 

The bus

rumbled

beneath him.

 

He pressed his

face

against

the cold,

foggy window

smudged

with fingerprints

and

hot breath.

 

 He bounced

in his seat

as the

bus

went over

speed-

bumps.

 

The next 

song

on his

playlist

began. 

 

**♫**

**All i want**

**is nothing more.**

**Than to he-**

**♫**

 

He ended

the song. 

The lyrics

were too much

to bear

with  _him_

mere 

inches

away. 

 

**♫**

**I can remember**

**the good old days...**

**♫**

 

He leaned 

over and

whispered

into  _his_

ear,

 

"That-"

he pointed

at a

playground

as they 

passed it-

"is where 

I kissed you

for the

first time."

 

He tapped 

his chin

as if

deep in

thought. 

 

"Or was it 

you

who kissed

me?"

 

 _His_ cheeks 

flushed

but _he_

smiled

slightly. 

 

**♫**

**When you and me**

**we used to hide away**

****♫** **

 

"Do you

remember

hiding

in large

stores

from our

mums

while they

shopped?"

 

He folded and

unfolded

his hands

in his

lap. 

 

"When we

were in 

'Bed, Bath, & Beyond'

you lead me

to the

neatly

made beds

and

set me

out

they way

you

pictured it

in your

head. 

 

We would 

spoon

in the

bed

in the

farthest corner

and you

always insisted

on being

the big

spoon

though you're 

tiny and curvy

(in all the

right places

obviously)

and I'm

tall

and gangly

with

mile long legs. 

 

I didn't 

mind."

 

**♫**

**While the sun was shining**

**and the stars were blinding**

**our eyes**

**♫**

 

"You took me

out on a

picinc

for our

third date.

 

You brought

pickles 

and Peanut Butter & Jelly

sandwiches

and little

lemon tarts

cut in the

shape

of a heart."

 

He rested his

right hand

over the

left side

of his 

chest

as if

pledging

or

swooning.

(The latter

most likely).

 

"You were

quite the romantic.

What happened,

Boo?

You-"

 

"Don't call me 

that."

 

"What. Don't call you what?"

 

"Boo. 

Or Boobear.

Or anything

other than

my name.

Don't even 

call me that.

Better yet,

don't talk 

to me

at all."

 

 _His_ voice 

rose as

 _his_ frustration 

peaked. 

 _He_ couldn't 

stop now. 

 

"I fucking

hate you.

You hurt me.

And no amount

of the good

memories

will account for

all the bad 

ones.

 

If you want 

to look back,

fine.

Just don't

drag me

into it. 

Its a

goddamn 

black hole

and I've spent

three months

pulling

myself 

out. 

 

If you want 

good memories

you're going to

end up

thinking about

the bad.

 

Like when

you slapped

me

when I 

tried to

kiss you

two weeks

before _you_

kissed _me_

for the first time

on that 

shitty

swing set. 

 

Or when

we got

in a silly

argument

about what

type of 

ice cream

out

_imaginary_

children

would want. 

And then

you told

me

you don't

want to

marry me

anyway."

 

The door

of the bus

swung 

open 

and they

got off.

 

"You dumped me

on the same

fucking

blanket

I brought

for our

third date

when I

brought you

on a picnic

for our 

three month

anniversary."

 

 _He_ hiked _his_

backpack 

up.

 

"Where are you

going?

I thought

we were 

going to work

on our project."

 

He stood there

dumbfounded. 

 

**♫**

**Let's put it to rest, yeah, let it die**   
**'cause we don't, we don't need to talk about this now**   
**Yeah we've been down that road before**   
**That was then and this is now**

**♫**

"Okay. 

But no 

more talk

about the

past.

This is

for school.

Stay

professional."

 

And it is

not 

his fault,

if he

stared

at  _his_ ass

because 

hot damn

he missed it. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs featured in this chapter are (in order)
> 
> Can't Help Falling In Love - originally sung by Elvis however I listened to the twenty one pilots cover
> 
> All I Want - Kodaline
> 
> Talk - Kodaline
> 
> The title is from 
> 
> Don't Call Me At All - flat sound


	6. if i'm just bad news, then you're a liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is checking Harry out (platonicly) and Harry makes Louis stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw I don't want to have to name Harry's girlfriend so I'm just having Louis call her different names (all of women with red hair). ie; the Little Mermaid in the last chapter and Shirley Temple in this one. the title is from You're so Last Summer by Taking Back Sunday. It has nothing to do with the chapter.
> 
> SUBSCRIBE PLEASE!

_His mother_

_remembered_

_me_

_and_ _said_

_she missed_

_me._

 

_She asked_

_why I_

_don't_

_visit_

_anymore._

 

_I didn't_

_know how_

_to tell_

_her how_

_post-relationship_

_friendships_

_work._

 

His sheets

were 

crinkled

and hanging

off the 

edge

of the

bed. 

 

His 

clothes

were strewn

half-haphazardly

and

there were

pages from

books

and 

guitar strings

littering

the floor.

 

_I noticed_

_a few_

_sentences_

_highlighted_

_on a sheet_

_on the_

_ground._

 

_I leaned_

_down_

_to pick it_

_up._

 

The highlighted 

portion

read,

 

"Dad? I keep thinking she'll come back, but I know now that she's going to stay away."

 

_I_

_scanned_

_the rest_

_of the_

_page._

 

He 

dropped 

his

backpack

onto

the ground

and said

"Sorry about

the mess-"

 

"This line.

This

highlighted

line.

We are 

going to

base

our paper

off of 

it."

 

_He took_

_it from_

_my_

_hand_

_(never_

_mind_

_the_

_sparks_

_that shot_

_down_

_my spine)._

 

"Louis,

you do

know

they're

talking about

a dog,

right?

We can't

write a

love story

about a 

dog."

 

"It 

doesn't 

have to

be about

a 

dog.

Its just

that

line

that intrigues

me."

 

"Whatever 

you say,

Boobear."

 

 _He_ didn't

correct

him

and

it has

nothing

to do 

with the

warmth

in _his_

cheeks. 

 

He 

noticed. 

 

"Hey, 

you didn't

yell at

me."

 

"Do you

want me

to?"

 

"No. 

Its just

we're 

making

great

progress.

Before you

know it,

we'll be

dating again."

 

"Except for

the fact

that

to date

someone

you must

have

_positive_

feelings

for them.

All I 

feel is

negativity

towards 

you,

Styles."

 

"I know

you love

me.

Deep 

down.

I know 

it."

 

"Whatever,

you also

have a 

girlfriend."

 

On 

cue,

his phone

chimed

with a 

phone call

from 

Shirley

Temple. 

 

_He_

_frowns_

_at_

_me_

_and then_

_answered_

_the phone._

 

_He speaks_

_in a_

_hushed_

_tone_

_but I_

_can hear_

_her_

_squawking_

_on the_

_other end._

 

_I caught_

_myself_

_staring_

_at the_

_hairpin_

_curl_

_of his_

_lips_

_and the_

_slope_

_of his_

_nose_

_and the_

_way_

_his eyelashes_

_flutter._

 

"...

Babe,

I don't 

know

if I'll be

able to make 

it tonight.

I'm a bit

busy 

right now.

Okay?

...

No.

I'm sorry.

...

Whatever.

Goodbye."

 

_He threw_

_his phone_

_at the_

_opposing_

_wall_

_and I_

_jumped_

_at the_

_cracking_

_noise._

 

_He turned_

_towards_

_me_

_and I_

_didn't_

_expect_

_to see_

_tears_

_and snot_

_running_

_down_

_his face._

 

_He reeled_

_back his_

_arm_

_but before_

_his fist_

_made contact_

_with_

_my chest,_

_he stopped_ _the_

_momentum_

_and_

_softly_

_hit me_

_with_

_tight_

_fists._

 

"I hate

you."

He whispered.

"I hate

you,

Louis.

Why did 

you

do this

to me?"

 

 _He_ took

a step 

back.

 

"Me?

I didn't

do 

shit,

Harry.

This is

_your_

fault.

its always

your fault

but you

blame

me.

Why

can't you

just accept

you aren't 

perfect." 

 

He got

real 

quiet

and 

 _he_ was 

sure

his

feelings

were 

hurt. 

 

"Sorry."

They muttered

simultaneously. 

 

"I should

probably

just 

go."

 

"No 

please

stay."

He gripped 

 _his_ shirt 

in his

large hands.

"Please."

 

_I nodded_

_and lead_

_him_

_to his_

_bed._

 

_He muttered_

_something_

_incoherently_

_under_

_his breath_

_about_

_when we_

_were younger_

_and hid_

_in stores_

_and cuddled_

_on show_

_beds._

 

_I eased_

_us_

_into the_

_mattress_

_and pulled_

_him back_

_into_

_my arms._

_Until his_

_shoulder_

_blades_

_were pressed_

_into my_

_chest._

 

_He smelled_

_soft and_

_like_

_apples._

_His hair_

_was curled_

_at the_

_nape_

_of his_

_neck._

 

_I kissed_

_him_

_there_

_and he_

_hummed,_

_content._

 

"Night

night,

Boo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I make a playlist for this fic?


End file.
